I AM ME!!

This is a favorite quote, or poem, of mine l that popped into my mind today. It is inspiring and has a great message of self love and personal power. Virginia Satir, the author, really touches on the importance of inner peace and "transformational change". As a phatty I do struggle with image issues, will power, and self-acceptance. This is a good reminder that the power lies within ourselves. 

If you don't like something, change it. If you love something, own it, keep it. Either way, get to know yourself then come love yourself no matter what.

I Am Me

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it – I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself – I own my fantasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears – I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes Because I own all of
Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me – by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts – I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other
Aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me – However I
Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me – If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded – I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be
Productive to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me – I own me, and
therefore I can engineer me – I am me and
I AM OKAY
--Virginia Satir

Other sh*t to Take Care of

The last couple of weeks have been very stressful. I've had a lot of very important things turn into a bit of a train wreck. All of my attention for the last two weeks has been focused on getting my son into the high school I wanted him to attend.

My oldest son is 14 years old. He is diagnosed ADHD and ODD among other things. He was not very successful at a particular junior/senior high school in 7th grade. He ended up confronting a bully and breaking his nose. This lead to his expulsion. My son spent 8th grade in a much better school, after we got a lawyer, and he had zero problems there.

I applied for a scholarship to get him out of the terrible school. Apparently the instructions are very vague and I missed a step. One week before school I find out the scholarship wasn't processed and he has to return to the terrible school.

Mind you, right around this time I should be giving notice to my job that I'm leaving. They have a rule that once notice is given, you cannot take time off. So I needed the time off to make sure my son's school, education, and safety were taken care of. So I feel rotten inside. (Yes I filled an appeal and got him in to our public school of choice, he started Aug 12th!)

Normally I don't operate life like this. The huge things that are very important to me just fell apart through little fault of my own: my son's school, my school/work arrangements, and my VSG surgery. I've fixed the first one, note to tackle #2/3, 4 on the list.

I want everything to work so badly. My anxiety and type A personality aren't handling these little hiccups very well. I haven't slept well. I've been missing days of work. I have a feeling I'm going to burn a bridge at work and possibly the first internship site (if they care at all).

I interviewed for an internship site mid-June. I kept in contact with them by calling and checking in. The clinical supervisor kept saying my paperwork is locked in the director's office who is out on vacation. A month goes by and now I'm not getting a call back or any of my calls answered. Wtf?!

This has left me scrambling to find a new internship site. (I don't have time to play games and really do I want to go work for free at a place that is playing games? No, not really) This pushed my plans back a month and now makes me look wishy washy to my job plus I can't schedule my surgery. Ugh! I'm so mad at that place. F'd up my whole time line.

You know as well as I do to be successful at eating right and seeing results you gotta put the time in. It takes planning, prep, and discipline. Right now, I don't have any of that. I think I've probably gained weight from stress eating.

OK, Karla, time to take back control. I can't be afraid of the unknown. Bad things happened, get over it and get back on track... Or hell, make a new track!! I need to decide what I want and go for it full speed ahead. Tomorrow I will talk to my boss. If I can't work and do the internship at my second choice site I will have to leave the job as peacefully as possible with as little notice as possible. Giving them two weeks is going to be very hard. Time to trust myself. I'm going for it....

VSG Pre-op Health Update

I followed through with most of my plans from my last post. I have gotten back on track and have started eating high protein, low carb Atkins style again. I really just started yesterday, at the start of this work week. I will give myself time before weighing in.

The good news is that I haven't gained any weight. I haven't lost any either. I think part of the problem is that I eat dinner so late. I get home about 7 PM and we eat around 8-8:30 PM, sometimes 9 PM, if I have to cook. Then we go to sleep anywhere from 10 PM-12:30 AM. This doesn't give me (or my kids) much time to digest the food we just ate. This is a horrible schedule that leaves me tired which also isn't good for losing weight. I'm planning on leaving my job to complete my internships so this will be fixed in a couple of weeks.

I visited the emergency room this weekend. This constant nagging burning pain in my neck, chest, and underneath my left shoulder blade was getting to be unbearable. I woke up at 4:40 AM on Sunday and decided to take myself to the E.R. while everyone was sleeping. They did two blood draws, an EKG, hooked me up to a heart monitor the whole 5 hours I was there, and even took a series of chest x-rays.

The doctor said that my heart was the picture of health. My blood pressure was 123/68 which the nurse said is ideal. They even checked my lungs for a clot, nothing. My diagnosis is "chest pain non-specified". The doctor said that it sounds like it's referred pain in my shoulder blade and chest from my reflux/hiatal hernia/GERD. He called it something, but I don't remember what, something that sounded like a man's name.

To test his hypothesis they gave me a little drink that he called a "G.I. Cocktail". It was a mix of Maloxx, lidocane, and something else. The doctor said that they use this to rule out cardiac issues and confirm that the problem is G.I. related. Sure enough after a couple of minutes my intense "somebody shoot me" shoulder pain was much less intense.

It wasn't much that he gave me either, maybe 2-3oz. A little shot that left my tongue numb. This may sound crazy but I swear I felt the liquid run across my chest and to my shoulder as well as down my esophagus. (0_o) Hey, whatever works! I asked the nurse if I could buy some over the counter and he said no. I asked if I could get a Rx for this. I would be so much happier if I could take this magical little cocktail once or twice per day. He didn't really give me an answer.... It shall be mine!!

So that was my weekend last weekend. Fun stuff. My mom has been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks but I will talk about that next time. Today, is going to be filled with back to school shopping for my boys and grocery shopping.

My Goals This Week:
Continue Atkins eating plan ( >25g carbs/day)
Avoid chocolate candy (I had 3 candy bars this week...on different days)
Avoid stress
Eat dinner before 8PM
Get some sleep
Give notice at my job, (ask for letter of recommendation?)
Meet with internship site supervisor Thursday
Start looking for a part-time job ;-)
Register my kids for school