I AM ME!!

This is a favorite quote, or poem, of mine l that popped into my mind today. It is inspiring and has a great message of self love and personal power. Virginia Satir, the author, really touches on the importance of inner peace and "transformational change". As a phatty I do struggle with image issues, will power, and self-acceptance. This is a good reminder that the power lies within ourselves. 

If you don't like something, change it. If you love something, own it, keep it. Either way, get to know yourself then come love yourself no matter what.

I Am Me

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it – I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself – I own my fantasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears – I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes Because I own all of
Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me – by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts – I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other
Aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me – However I
Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me – If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded – I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be
Productive to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me – I own me, and
therefore I can engineer me – I am me and
I AM OKAY
--Virginia Satir

Other sh*t to Take Care of

The last couple of weeks have been very stressful. I've had a lot of very important things turn into a bit of a train wreck. All of my attention for the last two weeks has been focused on getting my son into the high school I wanted him to attend.

My oldest son is 14 years old. He is diagnosed ADHD and ODD among other things. He was not very successful at a particular junior/senior high school in 7th grade. He ended up confronting a bully and breaking his nose. This lead to his expulsion. My son spent 8th grade in a much better school, after we got a lawyer, and he had zero problems there.

I applied for a scholarship to get him out of the terrible school. Apparently the instructions are very vague and I missed a step. One week before school I find out the scholarship wasn't processed and he has to return to the terrible school.

Mind you, right around this time I should be giving notice to my job that I'm leaving. They have a rule that once notice is given, you cannot take time off. So I needed the time off to make sure my son's school, education, and safety were taken care of. So I feel rotten inside. (Yes I filled an appeal and got him in to our public school of choice, he started Aug 12th!)

Normally I don't operate life like this. The huge things that are very important to me just fell apart through little fault of my own: my son's school, my school/work arrangements, and my VSG surgery. I've fixed the first one, note to tackle #2/3, 4 on the list.

I want everything to work so badly. My anxiety and type A personality aren't handling these little hiccups very well. I haven't slept well. I've been missing days of work. I have a feeling I'm going to burn a bridge at work and possibly the first internship site (if they care at all).

I interviewed for an internship site mid-June. I kept in contact with them by calling and checking in. The clinical supervisor kept saying my paperwork is locked in the director's office who is out on vacation. A month goes by and now I'm not getting a call back or any of my calls answered. Wtf?!

This has left me scrambling to find a new internship site. (I don't have time to play games and really do I want to go work for free at a place that is playing games? No, not really) This pushed my plans back a month and now makes me look wishy washy to my job plus I can't schedule my surgery. Ugh! I'm so mad at that place. F'd up my whole time line.

You know as well as I do to be successful at eating right and seeing results you gotta put the time in. It takes planning, prep, and discipline. Right now, I don't have any of that. I think I've probably gained weight from stress eating.

OK, Karla, time to take back control. I can't be afraid of the unknown. Bad things happened, get over it and get back on track... Or hell, make a new track!! I need to decide what I want and go for it full speed ahead. Tomorrow I will talk to my boss. If I can't work and do the internship at my second choice site I will have to leave the job as peacefully as possible with as little notice as possible. Giving them two weeks is going to be very hard. Time to trust myself. I'm going for it....

VSG Pre-op Health Update

I followed through with most of my plans from my last post. I have gotten back on track and have started eating high protein, low carb Atkins style again. I really just started yesterday, at the start of this work week. I will give myself time before weighing in.

The good news is that I haven't gained any weight. I haven't lost any either. I think part of the problem is that I eat dinner so late. I get home about 7 PM and we eat around 8-8:30 PM, sometimes 9 PM, if I have to cook. Then we go to sleep anywhere from 10 PM-12:30 AM. This doesn't give me (or my kids) much time to digest the food we just ate. This is a horrible schedule that leaves me tired which also isn't good for losing weight. I'm planning on leaving my job to complete my internships so this will be fixed in a couple of weeks.

I visited the emergency room this weekend. This constant nagging burning pain in my neck, chest, and underneath my left shoulder blade was getting to be unbearable. I woke up at 4:40 AM on Sunday and decided to take myself to the E.R. while everyone was sleeping. They did two blood draws, an EKG, hooked me up to a heart monitor the whole 5 hours I was there, and even took a series of chest x-rays.

The doctor said that my heart was the picture of health. My blood pressure was 123/68 which the nurse said is ideal. They even checked my lungs for a clot, nothing. My diagnosis is "chest pain non-specified". The doctor said that it sounds like it's referred pain in my shoulder blade and chest from my reflux/hiatal hernia/GERD. He called it something, but I don't remember what, something that sounded like a man's name.

To test his hypothesis they gave me a little drink that he called a "G.I. Cocktail". It was a mix of Maloxx, lidocane, and something else. The doctor said that they use this to rule out cardiac issues and confirm that the problem is G.I. related. Sure enough after a couple of minutes my intense "somebody shoot me" shoulder pain was much less intense.

It wasn't much that he gave me either, maybe 2-3oz. A little shot that left my tongue numb. This may sound crazy but I swear I felt the liquid run across my chest and to my shoulder as well as down my esophagus. (0_o) Hey, whatever works! I asked the nurse if I could buy some over the counter and he said no. I asked if I could get a Rx for this. I would be so much happier if I could take this magical little cocktail once or twice per day. He didn't really give me an answer.... It shall be mine!!

So that was my weekend last weekend. Fun stuff. My mom has been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks but I will talk about that next time. Today, is going to be filled with back to school shopping for my boys and grocery shopping.

My Goals This Week:
Continue Atkins eating plan ( >25g carbs/day)
Avoid chocolate candy (I had 3 candy bars this week...on different days)
Avoid stress
Eat dinner before 8PM
Get some sleep
Give notice at my job, (ask for letter of recommendation?)
Meet with internship site supervisor Thursday
Start looking for a part-time job ;-)
Register my kids for school

Costochrondritis...sucks

This is not a batiatric surgery related post. It's more of a rant about my pain associated with this condition. Feel free to skip over this post... You've been warned.

It's 5:21A.M. right now and I've been awake for hours. I can't go back to sleep. My pain is worse at night or really anytime that I'm still. This is pobably because my mind is not distracted. It feels like I've consistently been having a heart attack for the passed 4 months.  My chest hurts. There's a pinching, burning sensation in my neck and breastbone. My back under my shoulder blade hurts and my wrist and pinky hurts. It's only on my left side. It's like I'm Two-face from Batman. Regular on the right side and jacked up on the left side. 

I had an echocardiogram done 1.5-2 years ago when I was doing my  RNY pre-op testing the first time. I never got the results but I'm guessing they were OK since no one called. An EKG was also done. That was fine. I've been to the emergency room to get my chest pains checked. They did blood work, an EKG, and an xray. Everything was fine. Honestly it does feel muscle related.

Because I'm laying in my bed right now barely able to breathe without pain or anxiety I'm not going to really define or link costchrondritis--just know that the symptoms I've described are basically what it is--Inflammation of the cartilage that connects the ribs and breastbone.

OK, my complaining is over. Let's look at this from a solution-focused approach. On a scale of 1-10 how bad is my discomfort? 7. What can i do to fix this? What would i like to see happen? Me= have peace of mind and not feel  always on the brink of death (I promise I'm not usually this  dramatic). It would be nice to have no pain in my neck, chest, elbow, or wrist. 

I've decided I'm going to the e.r. this weekend. One more time, just to rule heart problems out. Maybe they'll find something to point me in the right direction. I'm going to go back to my primary doctor and ask for some medicine that will give me some relief. I think my Dr thinks that I'm a hypochondriac. Maybe we should look more into this anxiety thing. Honestly I think the pain is what's causing my anxiety. So I breathe and use guided imagery to destress. I wonder if it's my reflux causing or at least contributing to this discomfort? I'm walking more. That's about all the activity I can handle right now. I would say change my diet but I'm not really eating right now. I've been on shakes, salads lean meat, and fruits this whole week. It's just easier and I just don't want to eat.

Right now I'm sitting on a referral for a shoulder xray idk what that's going to do and referral to an orthopedist and a gastrointestinal doctor. 

Geesh I was just talking about saving money now I'll have to pay the e.r. copay and for these tests. That's five hundred bucks easy. 

I just closed my eyes and pictured my blog profile picture-- a woman, rising strong from the firey phoenix. Once I quadruple check that my heart is OK I will be fine. I gots this! Onward and upward.

Anyone else had to deal with this? What is working for you? Please share. Now, it's time for me to get up and get ready for work. 

The Last Straw That Lead You to WLS

I saw someone ask this question on a weight loss surgery (WLS) forum site I visit: What was the straw that broke the camel's back and made you decide to get WLS? I had to think about this for a couple of minutes to remember what was my "Aha! moment". 

I'm pretty sure the straw that broke the camel's back was when my family took a trip to Busch Gardens, Tampa, FL April, 2012. As a Central Florida Native I've been to Busch Gardens dozens of times in my life. It is my favorite theme park because it has cool shows, cool animals, nice water rides, good food (at least they used to...R.I.P. to the ginormous slice of strawberry cheesecake I ate on my 7th grade science research field trip), and awesome roller coasters. 

The Busch theme parks had a great deal going on where any preschool child age 0-5 got a free annual pass for up to 2 parks. That covered 2 in my family! So the family got an annual pass for Sea World (this is before Blackfish) and Busch Gardens. As a pass holder I got a discount on tickets so my extended family went too. I was so excited to take them to Busch Gardens. I was showing the kids all of my favorite rides and attractions. Then, the big kids and adults wanted to ride the roller coasters.... Cool! I love these things! I can take it! I'm brave! I'm a cool mom, watch I'll show the kids I still got it!... We wait in line a ridiculous amount of time.... 

Then it's our turn. My son picks the row he wants. We sit. The attendant lowers the safety bar and tried to lock us into place.... um... Then she tried again... and again....The stupid bar keeps popping up. I'm sucking in my gut.... The ride attendant tells us to step back and weight for row #35 (or whatever number it was). She explained that this was the row for guests with "larger body dimensions". Huh? I know that that's a thing but me?!? Am I really that person now?! Oh. My. God. How embarrassing. 

Well, at least they have a row for the phat people. Good, at least I'll be safe and still have fun. So for the rest of the day I'm good as long as I can ride in my special row *grumble grumble my heart broke every time I said that to myself*. We get to an old fashioned wooden coaster. Cool, I've never been on one of these before. I think it had just stopped raining. We ran through the cue with lots of people running behind us. No wait and we'll be first in line. There was no row for guests "with larger body dimensions"on this ride.  I'm thinking to myself, they probably have a larger seat, it's not like the thing turns you upside down and flips you out.... WRONG! I sat down and the bar wouldn't go over my big fat belly...or maybe it's my big butt that's the problem. *tear* There's no back up plan for the phatties on this ride. I just have to get out of line and wait at the exit for my family. They decided to ride it like 5 times back to back. I just stood there waving at them when they passed by or hi-fiving them when they ran from the exit to the entrance. I felt like everyone knew why I was waiting. How embarrassing!

As I wait for my family at the exit I look at all of the people leaving the ride. Then it hit me, 50-100 people pass me. They are all talking and laughing talking about the adrenaline rush from the ride. I'm crushed. My body dimensions are larger than all of these men, women, and children walking by me. I really am morbidly obese and my phatness stands out in the crowd. It's stopping me from doing something that makes me happy. It's preventing me from having fun with my children. 

No. Never again. I am special and it's nice to be recognized for being special, but not this way. In terms of body dimensions (and health) I just want to be normal. I'm tired of failed weight loss attempts, whacky blood sugar, crazy hormones, and yo-yo dieting. By this time I had heard about WLS but did not have a lot of facts. I decided on that day that I would start looking in to this surgery thing a little closer because I was desperate.

Weight Loss Surgery Pre-op Goal

OK, so I paid my deposit and locked in a discounted price with my surgeon. Here's where things gets sticky. I want to have the surgery before the fall semester begins which is August 17th.

So, I'm planning on a late July/early August surgery date...Yikes!! It's already July 3rd. Time is ticking too damn fast!

As far as my weight goes:
285 lbs. which was my highest eight ever  
271  (-14 lbs) 2 months ago, after eating basically Atkins style for 2 weeks
274-275 (+3-4 lbs.) I was sick and gained weight and also just finished my period-- been holding this weight for 2 weeks

My pre-op goal weight has always been 250 lbs. I want to be at that mark on my surgery date so I will have a better chance at hitting my ultimate goal weight of 140 lbs. I'm 5'2.75 so I round it up to 5'3. If I can make my mini-goal of 250 I will have 110 lbs to lose after my gastric sleeve surgery.

Crap, is this even possible? I have 25 lbs to lose in 4 weeks.     Seems like I'm setting myself up for failure. Alright, time to break out some of those diet and exercise pins on Pinterest I've been hoarding. I'm going to jump on the Atkins bandwagon again. The nutritionist that was working with my surgeon's group is no longer available. It sounds like they are looking for a new nutritionist. So, due to time, I might be on my own for pre-op weight loss. 

Dammit I'm deciding this now on 4th of July weekend aka BBQ and beer weekend? Where everyone flexes their cooking skills by trying new recipes to bring to the cookouts. Food is displayed on decorated tables at every house we will visit today and tomorrow. FML. FML hard because I love baked beans, potato salad, ribs drenched in sauce, and cake for dessert. 

Yes folks this is what you call a food funeral. Except instead of eating the things that I enjoy one last time to say good bye, I am quietly shedding a tear and making a mental note of the things I cannot have I will not indulge in this weekend. see what I did there? Re-framed my wording to sound more positive. No reason to binge on my last few favorites. That will only set me back. Instead of beans, ribs, potato salad, and cake I will have deviled eggs, chicken, grilled veggies, and fresh fruit for dessert. No alcohol for me. It is good that we will be outside a lot for the holiday activities and I live in Florida. I'll probably sweat 5 lbs off this weekend by just being outside. ;-) 

It's about to be on like Donkey Kong!! I'm losing these stupid 25 lbs!! I will weigh in twice a week: Wednesdays and Fridays. Please, please, if you have any pre-op tips share them with me on here, Facebook, or find me on one of the many groups or forums online. 

Self-Paying for VSG

I first learned about the surgery 3 years ago. I worked at a local crisis line and one of the regular callers was talking about all of her doctor visits. She mentioned that her doctor referred her for bariatric surgery but that the nearest doctor who accepts Medicare is 3 hours away. At that time I was working part time and in grad school full time with 3 kids. All of us had Medicaid. I had no idea that something like this was available for people like me. I wanted to learn more. 

After talking to the caller I spent all night, in between calls, researching bariatric surgery. I watched videos of the surgery. I found out that there were more than one kind of surgery and I started looking for a surgeon. 

I found one in Florida that accepted my insurance and agreed to take me as a patient. It took me almost a year to go through all of the pre-op testing. Then life got in the way. I went through a divorce, don't worry, it was a short marriage. Then, the same month I was going to visit my primary doctor for a release to surgery was the same month I was offered a pretty decent job. I went with the job and basically stopped my progress towards surgery dead in its tracks. I found out 90 days later that the small non-profit I work for does not include weight loss surgery in its insurance rider. My surgery dreams were put on the back burner for 2 years....Maybe I could lose the weight all by myself...To date, I've only lost 11 lbs from my heaviest weight.

The limit on my care credit account is only $1,100. An increase to $24,000 to cover the RNY was declined.  I am a working single mom with >$10,000 in savings. It's time to get creative. I joined every forum site I could find: Obesity Help, GastricSleeve.com, ThinnerTimesForum, and Bariatric Pal. I follow countless private blogs and weight loss surgery Facebook pages. After asking around they suggested that I try Mexico. 

Mexico? Tijuana?!? I lived in Orlando, Florida for 10 years. I'm used to a tourist town. I've heard things about Tijuana and nothing about it's reputation sounds like Disney World, something about ladies, ping pong, and donkeys and chickens fighting. Still, this is something I needed to look into more. I was getting quotes anywhere from $3,899 to $10,999 in Mexico with it averaging around $4-5k. That sounded doable. 

So I decided instead of waiting until I find a job with good enough insurance to cover the surgery I'm taking matters into my own hands. I don't have the time or patience to do some of the things I've read online for people to "make extra money" like take surveys, subscribe to trials of service, get a second job, etc. I had two jobs at one point and it killed me.  So I just had to cut corners and not spend my money. I've been saving my money for a year and adding it to a separate pre-paid loadable debit card account. Maybe I should a loadable credit card instead.


Some of the things I've done to save money for my self-pay for surgery:

-Take my lunch to work, everyday...and eat it.  I pack a lunch and snacks like left overs, boiled eggs, sugar free jello, lunch meat and cheese, green salad, celery, an apple, orange, or banana, and lots of water, etc. 

-Take my kids to the dollar movie or rent red box. Do you know that it costs my family of 4 $35-$45 to go to the movies? That's not including popcorn. Now we wait a few months and either go to a dollar movie for the theater experience or rent a red box and watch it at home.

-No more mani-pedi's. I can paint my own toes and fingers or wear more closed in shoes. I even bought myself a foot scrubber. ;-)

-I spend less on groceries. I try to not buy pre-packaged food. The snacks for my kids add up every month. Cookies, chips, juice, fruit snacks, cereal. I have 3 boys so the snacks don't last for more than one sitting at a time and it's bad for them too. I stick to meats, beans, fruits, veggies, milk, and eggs. If they want pancakes, burritos, crackers, or cookies, I make them myself. This has been a BIG help on my monthly expenses. 

-My retired mother watches the kids after school. She's also watching them for their summer vacation. My mother has been sick and fighting for her own life since August of 2014. Luckily my sister has visited twice for 4 months to help take care of our mom and my kids. This saves me so much money, that I don't have to begin with...

- I put half of my income tax return into my weight loss surgery fund. 

It's been tough. I've dialed back my already tight budget. It feels so good to be able to pay the $500 down payment for my surgery and not bat an eye. I've worked hard to put the funds together and I'll be able to pay for my surgery and plane ticket with no problem. Hopefully the fact that I'm paying with my own money, instead of using insurance, will help make it that much more important to me. This will help me work harder towards the weight loss/health goals I have set for myself. I'm getting excited!